Once upon a time.

I recently read a book that ended up being very thought provoking for me.  It was intended to be entertaining, and had romance, and a happily ever after ending.  The part that made me think was of course, the main character.  At the beginning of the book, she was an unhappy, over-weight lady who had an emotionally distant and emotionally abusive husband.  She had fallen for him, and could not believe that he was interested in her.  She had her own home, money, friends, and her own business, she also had low self esteem.  He on the other hand, we find out in the story, was a man looking for a woman who had money, and a career, and a home, and would be willing to take care of him financially and let him pretty much do as he wanted.

We find out as the story unfolded more that he contributed nothing to the marriage or home.  He spent his money, and hers.  He took and gave nothing in return including love.  We learn that he had had over the years of their marriage, a number of girlfriends, bed partners, and quickies.  She of course tried to pretend that she didn't know about them.

Regardless, she ended up throwing him out, losing weight, and taking back control of her life, and finding a new love.  She had also won a lottery, and gave her ex-husband half of the money.  He had supposedly learned that he was a taker, and a user, and changed his life also.  Nice and tidy for everyone involved.

What got me to thinking about all this, was the fact, that in real life there are folks who deal with this, who put up with the emotional abuse, and the taking.  Why do we do that?  I think the answer is, because we feel unworthy.  We have low self esteem, and are afraid that we won't ever have another relationship, because we feel bad about ourselves.

So let's lay it all out here.  If someone is putting you down, if they are calling you names, if they are deliberately making remarks to hurt you, GET RID OF THEM.  Trust me when I tell you that you are better off alone, than in that type of relationship.  I believe though, that you will find another relationship, one that is positive, nurturing and supportive.   Realize that YOU are WORTHY of love, and respect.

Oh, and unlike in the story, people like the ex-husband don't change overnight, if ever.  Remember if you want happily ever after, you have to go after it, you have to change your life yourself, and start by changing your opinion of yourself from dislike to love.

LOVE, what about it??

With Valentine's Day almost upon us, I was thinking about love in all it's forms.  What I mean by that of course is, the various types of love or, to put it this way, the way we love different people, animals, our self, and of course even things.  We love our parents, our pets, our friends, and our relatives.  We love our partner if we are in a relationship.  Now most folks are concerned with love in one way or the other. Finding it, keeping it, or even trying to figure out what it is, and if they are in it.  Love is one of those philosophical subjects, and it means different things to different people, and even cultures.

I can't flat out give you a precise definition of exactly what love is, and if you are in "love", or not.  But what I do know is, what love is not.  I know, you raised your eyebrows at that didn't you?  So let's see if I can explain, and make sense to you on what I meant by that statement.  In my opinion, if you love someone, really love them, you see them for who they really are, faults and all, and accept them in that entirety.  Many times, we fool ourselves, meaning, we color our perception of the person, with who we think they are, instead of who they actually are.  The saying "putting them on a pedestal", would apply here.  The problem with that is, when the person we have idealized, does something that WE feel is not in keeping with the vision we had of them, in other words, they act like a real human instead of the fantasy person we have looked at through our rose colored glasses, we get upset.  We may or may not lash out, but we do get upset, and we may decide to end the relationship. We say things like "He was not the man I thought he was".  Of course he wasn't, you were in love with the fantasy and not the actual person.

Love does not cause harm to others.  In other words, if you are in a relationship with someone who uses force, or physically hurts you, then trust me, this is not a good, loving relationship.  If a man, or a woman for that matter, goes around slapping, hitting, beating, or using emotional pain to get you to follow their rules,or do something you don't wish too, or tells you it's for your own good, they don't love you.  They feel they own you, that you are a possession, and that they can manipulate you, but they do not love you.  Trust me, it won't get better either, you need to get out of that relationship before you are badly hurt, or killed.

I do know that for a loving relationship to last, it must be based on truth, trust, and respect.  When we love someone we want to make them happy, we worry about them and we do little things for them.  Love is not a power struggle, or one person being right all the time.  It is a give and take situation, that is constantly re-balancing it self.  It is not one person doing all the giving and caring, and the other person doing all the taking.

Love is not sex.  Yes sex, is, or may be involved, but the act of sex does not automatically equal love. Sometimes folks confuse the two.  One person now has the idea that they are a couple and in love, while the other person, just see's the pair as sexual partners.  Women seem to do this more so then men.  I am blaming this on patriarchy.  Women have been spoon fed on romance, and told that "nice", or "good" girls don't have sex outside of marriage, and we have been bamboozled into believing that normal sexual feelings, equate love.  So let's set the story straight, guess what!! Women have sexual desires too!!  Nothing wrong with it, it's all a part of being human.

Regardless of what your definition of love is, or your relationship status, I hope you do one thing at least-tell yourself that you love yourself!!